Uncertain Smoker

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I don’t know what bring on the reaction but there, lying in front of me, was that pack of cigarettes and I could almost imagine, like in a movie, watching out of compulsion as one observes another stranger doing an action and a thought registers in one’s mind: this is not me; I am not responsible for this. It was with that nonchalance I saw myself extending my hand surreptitiously towards this packet and just stealing one cigarette. No one would know and it would be so quick and of course, no one will ever be suspicious of me. Maybe it was because I was really frustrated at work as I had just started my internship, and there were a lot of issues disagreeing with me and sometimes I just loathed everything about my workplace. Being such an avid hater of smoking, I don’t know why suddenly I felt that serious need to just grab one cigarette and experience that raw taste. Maybe sometimes that is how we avenge the wrong being done to us; we rebel against our own self. That remains the only medium that we feel in control of, we want to do all the great injustices of the world against us.

The next day I professed this in front my family and each of them had a different reaction. My sister in law just laughed plainly and my mom gave me a piece of her mind. My brother though said that we should experiment with it. So the next night, I found myself with a cigarette that my brother bought for this occasion of mutiny. He lighted it and hold it in his hand while I moved forward to take my first puff ever and inhale, not too deeply. I blew out but didn’t see any smoke for that matter. I felt oddly apprehensive and some wild exhilaration at the same time. The next puff was a bit deeper but still, except for a raw burning bitter taste and the feeling as if I had swallowed some ashes and slight coughing, nothing came. No beautiful display of perfect smoky circles for me really!!! So that was that I thought, oddly relieved. I don’t think I will try it again in near future, because for now, my hunger and need for exploration is quenched reasonably.

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