Month: March 2014
They say: Once someone is a self-destructionist, he will always go forward from there. The cuts baring the soft skin and that power one holds in that instant, make all the pain that follow through worth something. I know that power very well, through various people I have came across,and recently I got a muse for this poem from a guy, totally unknown to me.
I took it in my hand
stroke the plastic,
I smile winsomely
And then throw it hard against the wall,
quite irrelevant and drastic,
It flew as the centrifugal force upon it befalls.
I pick the white keys
clench them in my hand
My blood rushes through, faster
I let myself stomp my heart
Tonight let’s paint the world
in bleak hues.
Some days I barely suppress
the urge to let out a wild shriek
And I see all these people and try to guess
how many of them will judge me
For my wild demonic streak
Some times despair sets in so deep
I forget all my new year resolutions
I feel my self weaken, slip and slide through
viscous layers of dread
This is more despair than I can chew
😦 Despair came tap tapping on my door!
#PROJECT2014: A POST A MONTH (March) : I want to envision a different person NOW! Cmon get off that couch!
For years and years I have travelled through the various stages of low self-esteem, self doubt and a Himalayan range of insecurities and the weight of all these demons is just impossible and yet I question my sanity when I realize that during some part of my life I start relishing it all.
The first stage is always:
- The weird environment feels threatened by me:
I don’t exactly remember how it came to be, but for some reason I began to be a very exciting target for my other female class fellows in around 3 or 4 grade which continued up to 7grade and was kind of bullied to a huge extend. I remember that for years the PE teacher would complain that I was a loner and that I deliberately tried to be alone and not with my friends (if you can really call them that because I prefer the B word 😛 ) but the problem was that they created situations whereby a could feel left out and ignored. The funniest episode was when we were very young and we used to play “HOUSE” in our muddy playground where we were to build rooms and all that jazz with our hands, on the ground and the one with the best used to win. No one was ready to be in my house and so I was alone and given the rather ugly side of the ground but I never the less created an art piece because soon the other three girls were like, can we switch side? It was evident that it was an attempt to take away what little happiness I created in the ugly part of the playground. Whenever I tried to make other friends I was surrounded by their extra attention and care and I was stupid enough to believe them again and again.
There have been other factors, being the youngest in the family was also a major problem because siblings and cousins seemed to be ignoring me and I was the target of many jokes in the family. For years I had no friends and felt extremely alone and had no one to talk to. Some teachers made it very very very hard to survive and feel excited about my days at school and were there to humiliate me at every possible opportunity they get. The one I still remember is an art teacher saying in front of many teachers and my class fellows that I looked like a servant, when I dressed up on the Independence Day in the dress of one of the provinces and I felt so embarrassed that I couldn’t look anyone in the eye for that whole day.
- I guess there is something wrong with me:
All these circumstances continuing for years and years made me seriously started doubting myself and feeling extremely embarrassed and trying to come up with various reasons to justify this behavior:
- I guess I am too fat
- I guess I don’t look good
- I guess I am too clumsy
- Maybe it’s because I can’t run
- Maybe I am just not likable
- Yes, There is something wrong with me:
I started believing in all these things with a steadfast approach and along came self-pity and constantly a battle to let myself know from inside that I wasn’t good enough.
Every day of my 23 years, I have been carrying an immense burden of these demons: Envy, jealously, extremely low self-esteem, insecurities and doubts. But a few days ago I realized maybe it was not meant to be this way anymore. I was talked to one of my most introvert, reserved and shy friend of mine who is doing Chartered Accountancy and I found a very huge difference in her. I was looking at this whole new different person, who was confident and open, who doesn’t shy away from people and who doesn’t seem to be such an extreme introvert anymore.
(On another note, one of the most brilliant advices she gave me was: Never show the world that you are afraid or it will sunk it jaws in you and you will never know what hit you).
But seeing this different young female, I suddenly felt something stir in my heart. I thought that I want to be like this too.
What I want to see in future:
I want to envision this confident female who cares nothing of how she looks to the world, Ugly or pretty, dark or white, fat or slim.
I want to envision this female, who has the power to change her world.
I want to envision this female who even when people try to push her against walls, find a way to push through it all and separate herself from any nuisance.
I want to see a female who accepts compliments and believe in her heart that she deserves them.
I want to see a female not shying away from people because she thinks that they might not like or approve of how she chooses to present herself and go ahead never the less.
I want to see a female, who values people who love her and find her strength and solace from such people and not get too caught up in negativity.
I want to see a young woman who follow her passions and have aspirations and give hope.
I want to see a female, who gives a new direction, some hope, inspiration and care to the young minds like some of my teachers did for me.
I want to see this new changed female who knows that sometimes people are a certain way and we might not like it or hate them enough to despise and never forgive them, but it will just be a lot of burden to carry forward each day. Sometimes people do things, that they do without giving them any thoughts and it is okay to just let it go.
I want to envision a female who takes great pleasure in little achievements and small things and feel the wonder of new things each day. To believe that happiness and good things will come and that no one has a perfect life. We all are fighting our own demons and they might not be visible to everyone.
Finally that you are a beautiful person, if you are humble, kind without ulterior motives, caring, trustworthy, sincere and understanding. Beauty should never be defined by your body, face, complexion or other outer traits that you have no control over and which would just deplete over time whatever you may do.
AND LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL AND SO ARE YOU ALL!! HAVE A GOOD DAY – Zee 😀
“The future you have, tomorrow, won’t be the same future you had, yesterday.”
― Chuck Palahniuk
In one of my classes, last week, I had a very rude awakening, almost reminded me of Aunty Acid in a way, with her satirical style. But unfortunately, this was a serious talk devised by Tom Peter who has also written the book “In search of excellence”. It was the mother of talks in terms of ending our sense of self complacency and making us aware of what lies ahead in future.
After reflecting deeply upon it, my final view on enduring in this age of revolutionary technology is that personal development, constant vigilance and proactive behavior are the key factors to live a successful life. Each day progressing towards the unpredictable future ahead of us, uncertainty is the only thing we can be sure of. This though made me extremely troubled that each day we are more and more in the clutches of becoming redundant or irrelevant and as General Eric put it “If you don’t like change, you’re going to like irrelevance even less”. As a midly ambitious person with little interest for any particular career plans, I was quite quite quite shocked.
However, there is but one consolation: NO ONE IS AN EXPERT OF THE FUTURE, which means all of us have equal chances provided we aspire high and use our individual creative streaks and try to do new things in newer ways despite the risks and failure involved.
“The future has several names. For the weak, it is impossible; for the fainthearted, it is unknown; but for the valiant, it is ideal.”
― Victor Hugo
We are lucky that we belong to an era that pushes us to do more than just survive although it might seem like the most difficult task in the world. In this era mere survival is just a cliché, just as easy as breathing; we thus have to add value to this survival by following exciting opportunities and creating newer things each day. It all sound very easy but I realize it is difficult to remind yourself each day to not be complacent and sit around idly but actually do something. I hope I am able to do this after those persuasive ideas given in the last class.
“There is nothing like a dream to create the future.”
― Victor Hugo