Who was I ?
Who was he?
I swore I loved him, and whispered soft endearments , breaking all boundaries of principles and years of building up walls, and he took it all in, like a hungry child takes in the piece of bread, gobbling it up and I felt empty inside.
And yet he demanded more.
And I broke with each impatient demand.
It felt like unwanted penetration.
But it was only a commitment.
They say: Once someone is a self-destructionist, he will always go forward from there. The cuts baring the soft skin and that power one holds in that instant, make all the pain that follow through worth something. I know that power very well, through various people I have came across,and recently I got a muse for this poem from a guy, totally unknown to me.
I took it in my hand
stroke the plastic,
I smile winsomely
And then throw it hard against the wall,
quite irrelevant and drastic,
It flew as the centrifugal force upon it befalls.
I pick the white keys
clench them in my hand
My blood rushes through, faster
I let myself stomp my heart
Tonight let’s paint the world
in bleak hues.
Some days I barely suppress
the urge to let out a wild shriek
And I see all these people and try to guess
how many of them will judge me
For my wild demonic streak
Some times despair sets in so deep
I forget all my new year resolutions
I feel my self weaken, slip and slide through
viscous layers of dread
This is more despair than I can chew
😦 Despair came tap tapping on my door!
I don’t know what bring on the reaction but there, lying in front of me, was that pack of cigarettes and I could almost imagine, like in a movie, watching out of compulsion as one observes another stranger doing an action and a thought registers in one’s mind: this is not me; I am not responsible for this. It was with that nonchalance I saw myself extending my hand surreptitiously towards this packet and just stealing one cigarette. No one would know and it would be so quick and of course, no one will ever be suspicious of me. Maybe it was because I was really frustrated at work as I had just started my internship, and there were a lot of issues disagreeing with me and sometimes I just loathed everything about my workplace. Being such an avid hater of smoking, I don’t know why suddenly I felt that serious need to just grab one cigarette and experience that raw taste. Maybe sometimes that is how we avenge the wrong being done to us; we rebel against our own self. That remains the only medium that we feel in control of, we want to do all the great injustices of the world against us.
The next day I professed this in front my family and each of them had a different reaction. My sister in law just laughed plainly and my mom gave me a piece of her mind. My brother though said that we should experiment with it. So the next night, I found myself with a cigarette that my brother bought for this occasion of mutiny. He lighted it and hold it in his hand while I moved forward to take my first puff ever and inhale, not too deeply. I blew out but didn’t see any smoke for that matter. I felt oddly apprehensive and some wild exhilaration at the same time. The next puff was a bit deeper but still, except for a raw burning bitter taste and the feeling as if I had swallowed some ashes and slight coughing, nothing came. No beautiful display of perfect smoky circles for me really!!! So that was that I thought, oddly relieved. I don’t think I will try it again in near future, because for now, my hunger and need for exploration is quenched reasonably.
It’s fine where I’m sitting, and the light filtering through the open window provides some relief but albeit, a very short-lived one. I know they will come, and like always I am totally unprepared. I don’t know what bring them to me, or when was the first time it happened, but there they are nonetheless. They are usually silent, just staring at me, all the time. I can feel it now, they are watching me, as I think about them, and they will haunt me for long now. I look at them often beseechingly, and often try to implore them to answer me, but it never happens. I can see it in their eyes, this look of remorse, pity, and inferiority as they look towards me. There gazes are so belittling, that I almost flinch inwardly, but it never changes their stance towards me. I know how less they think of me, and how unimportant I am to them.
I tried everything but things never change or turn for good. It’s almost agonizing how they are always judging me and nothing is ever enough for them; the love, care or concern is like nothing to them and their selfishness and cruelty knows no bound. To them, my existence is nothing but a conveniently usable object. I loathe myself for being so weak, to let myself be so vulnerable. But then, something is changing inside the room. I almost feel a certain warmness wrapping itself around me, and I break this hypnotic spell of gloom and look towards the open window with all the strength that remains inside me.
There in the light filtering through the window, is a figure almost invisible, but it is there nonetheless. It lures me towards itself and at a very close distance I stop and look at it. It speaks to me “I am your strength, and rely on me, for I am your only hope. Remember, never to feed them” it points to the glaring angry eyes which have perceptibly weaken in their appearance “for they have learned to feed on your insecurities. They are nothing but a figment of your imagination, and they are only as harsh and unyielding, as strongly you pay attention to them. They are nothing, and remember, stay strong. As it goes, your world is you and not them. Your subconscious mind build these stories, build a whole lot of lies and conspiracies that it wants you to believe. Come out of these complex webs of gloomy thoughts and live in the moment.” I see it going away, vanishing and I ask in a whisper “Who are you?” and it smiles at me and says “why, I am you.”
Today I sit in utter melancholy and thus beware, and if you want to quit, here, I give you time 🙂
For the more patient souls, I have some things on my mind!
It pains me that how uncertain and how unbelievable the times are, and how scarce my footings against them! You know how it is as they say, we all need good company and no one, by Lord, needs it more than me, but it is scary how quickly things turn ugly and how soon everything turns to a stop. The contradiction of relationships, is my biggest woe by far!
How soon you become the support, the best friends, the undying love of someone and how we pledge of never letting go, only to see it all crumble, and fall down in an unearthly way! It overwhelms me and almost makes me afraid how easy it is to break away!
It pains me, how bad everything turns once someone too essential to our soul go, its like they took our words, our love, our ability to function without them, and it is scary how unstable the life turns, how much time it takes to recover!
Why do thing turn sour so easily and why are relationships so unrecoverable! well for now I only hope, the few closer ones I am left with, will stay, and to those who have gone: may they find better heavens, NOT! 🙂