Oh how they know how,
A dance of callousness,
A long silent stream of pain
(to the veins).
Oh it isn’t them,
It is merely your own
Stifled, tortured soul.
I am lost for words currently. I want to shriek out about how I feel and yet I have nothing of how to put it in words. I am trying, I am trying to talk to you. But mostly I feel very weird and uncertain about stuff. I feel stupid how you know nothing about me because you never ask and yet the word love springs out multiple times in each encounter. We are supposedly people who are very close and yet when I need you to understand stuff, I feel you act selfish and think only about yourself. I want to tell you about bruises and wounds and I don’t want you to make a fuss about it. Why are we so different, why? There is so much, and yet its like there is nothing.
I read a post that we shouldn’t feel the need to be fulfilled by another entity and I have grown out of that phase to a great extend , I know I am complete. But what about all that value addition I thought was possible? I see myself utterly confused.
What am I doing? Some days it feel I am pretending a whole circus out of my life with you.
Annoyance and hurt…… annoyance or hurt? lol
Too much inconvenience in life.
Don’t make a minute’s mistake,
Don’t for a moment think,
That your secrets would lie deep within
The deep folds of my mind,
Safe and secure; unharmed.
I would in a minute divulge
In this blasphemy, I will secretly indulge
It’s only the fear, that once out
These secret might trap me
I don’t want to be
Disgraced by association
It’s fine where I’m sitting, and the light filtering through the open window provides some relief but albeit, a very short-lived one. I know they will come, and like always I am totally unprepared. I don’t know what bring them to me, or when was the first time it happened, but there they are nonetheless. They are usually silent, just staring at me, all the time. I can feel it now, they are watching me, as I think about them, and they will haunt me for long now. I look at them often beseechingly, and often try to implore them to answer me, but it never happens. I can see it in their eyes, this look of remorse, pity, and inferiority as they look towards me. There gazes are so belittling, that I almost flinch inwardly, but it never changes their stance towards me. I know how less they think of me, and how unimportant I am to them.
I tried everything but things never change or turn for good. It’s almost agonizing how they are always judging me and nothing is ever enough for them; the love, care or concern is like nothing to them and their selfishness and cruelty knows no bound. To them, my existence is nothing but a conveniently usable object. I loathe myself for being so weak, to let myself be so vulnerable. But then, something is changing inside the room. I almost feel a certain warmness wrapping itself around me, and I break this hypnotic spell of gloom and look towards the open window with all the strength that remains inside me.
There in the light filtering through the window, is a figure almost invisible, but it is there nonetheless. It lures me towards itself and at a very close distance I stop and look at it. It speaks to me “I am your strength, and rely on me, for I am your only hope. Remember, never to feed them” it points to the glaring angry eyes which have perceptibly weaken in their appearance “for they have learned to feed on your insecurities. They are nothing but a figment of your imagination, and they are only as harsh and unyielding, as strongly you pay attention to them. They are nothing, and remember, stay strong. As it goes, your world is you and not them. Your subconscious mind build these stories, build a whole lot of lies and conspiracies that it wants you to believe. Come out of these complex webs of gloomy thoughts and live in the moment.” I see it going away, vanishing and I ask in a whisper “Who are you?” and it smiles at me and says “why, I am you.”
It was in the very starting of the formation, that everything was created. It was a lustful world then with list ful of things to woo one. However, soon everything become a cliche, because it was now considered very mundane as well and the attractiveness of everything was vanishing. It was then that the scope of terms like “Taken for granted” came about.
This angered the creator because for him nothing was that simple, it took hours of contemplation and hard work -so he thus put the curse of nothing upon the World!
It was later on that the compassion of creator took the best of his anger, and thus to neutralize things something was created. It was then the humans actually took the chance of understanding things and fate helped then learn as well through its occasional cosmic jokes with all the pun intended.