#PROJECT2014: A POST A MONTH (March) : I want to envision a different person NOW! Cmon get off that couch!
For years and years I have travelled through the various stages of low self-esteem, self doubt and a Himalayan range of insecurities and the weight of all these demons is just impossible and yet I question my sanity when I realize that during some part of my life I start relishing it all.
The first stage is always:
- The weird environment feels threatened by me:
I don’t exactly remember how it came to be, but for some reason I began to be a very exciting target for my other female class fellows in around 3 or 4 grade which continued up to 7grade and was kind of bullied to a huge extend. I remember that for years the PE teacher would complain that I was a loner and that I deliberately tried to be alone and not with my friends (if you can really call them that because I prefer the B word 😛 ) but the problem was that they created situations whereby a could feel left out and ignored. The funniest episode was when we were very young and we used to play “HOUSE” in our muddy playground where we were to build rooms and all that jazz with our hands, on the ground and the one with the best used to win. No one was ready to be in my house and so I was alone and given the rather ugly side of the ground but I never the less created an art piece because soon the other three girls were like, can we switch side? It was evident that it was an attempt to take away what little happiness I created in the ugly part of the playground. Whenever I tried to make other friends I was surrounded by their extra attention and care and I was stupid enough to believe them again and again.
There have been other factors, being the youngest in the family was also a major problem because siblings and cousins seemed to be ignoring me and I was the target of many jokes in the family. For years I had no friends and felt extremely alone and had no one to talk to. Some teachers made it very very very hard to survive and feel excited about my days at school and were there to humiliate me at every possible opportunity they get. The one I still remember is an art teacher saying in front of many teachers and my class fellows that I looked like a servant, when I dressed up on the Independence Day in the dress of one of the provinces and I felt so embarrassed that I couldn’t look anyone in the eye for that whole day.
- I guess there is something wrong with me:
All these circumstances continuing for years and years made me seriously started doubting myself and feeling extremely embarrassed and trying to come up with various reasons to justify this behavior:
- I guess I am too fat
- I guess I don’t look good
- I guess I am too clumsy
- Maybe it’s because I can’t run
- Maybe I am just not likable
- Yes, There is something wrong with me:
I started believing in all these things with a steadfast approach and along came self-pity and constantly a battle to let myself know from inside that I wasn’t good enough.
Every day of my 23 years, I have been carrying an immense burden of these demons: Envy, jealously, extremely low self-esteem, insecurities and doubts. But a few days ago I realized maybe it was not meant to be this way anymore. I was talked to one of my most introvert, reserved and shy friend of mine who is doing Chartered Accountancy and I found a very huge difference in her. I was looking at this whole new different person, who was confident and open, who doesn’t shy away from people and who doesn’t seem to be such an extreme introvert anymore.
(On another note, one of the most brilliant advices she gave me was: Never show the world that you are afraid or it will sunk it jaws in you and you will never know what hit you).
But seeing this different young female, I suddenly felt something stir in my heart. I thought that I want to be like this too.
What I want to see in future:
I want to envision this confident female who cares nothing of how she looks to the world, Ugly or pretty, dark or white, fat or slim.
I want to envision this female, who has the power to change her world.
I want to envision this female who even when people try to push her against walls, find a way to push through it all and separate herself from any nuisance.
I want to see a female who accepts compliments and believe in her heart that she deserves them.
I want to see a female not shying away from people because she thinks that they might not like or approve of how she chooses to present herself and go ahead never the less.
I want to see a female, who values people who love her and find her strength and solace from such people and not get too caught up in negativity.
I want to see a young woman who follow her passions and have aspirations and give hope.
I want to see a female, who gives a new direction, some hope, inspiration and care to the young minds like some of my teachers did for me.
I want to see this new changed female who knows that sometimes people are a certain way and we might not like it or hate them enough to despise and never forgive them, but it will just be a lot of burden to carry forward each day. Sometimes people do things, that they do without giving them any thoughts and it is okay to just let it go.
I want to envision a female who takes great pleasure in little achievements and small things and feel the wonder of new things each day. To believe that happiness and good things will come and that no one has a perfect life. We all are fighting our own demons and they might not be visible to everyone.
Finally that you are a beautiful person, if you are humble, kind without ulterior motives, caring, trustworthy, sincere and understanding. Beauty should never be defined by your body, face, complexion or other outer traits that you have no control over and which would just deplete over time whatever you may do.
AND LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL AND SO ARE YOU ALL!! HAVE A GOOD DAY – Zee 😀
I don’t know what bring on the reaction but there, lying in front of me, was that pack of cigarettes and I could almost imagine, like in a movie, watching out of compulsion as one observes another stranger doing an action and a thought registers in one’s mind: this is not me; I am not responsible for this. It was with that nonchalance I saw myself extending my hand surreptitiously towards this packet and just stealing one cigarette. No one would know and it would be so quick and of course, no one will ever be suspicious of me. Maybe it was because I was really frustrated at work as I had just started my internship, and there were a lot of issues disagreeing with me and sometimes I just loathed everything about my workplace. Being such an avid hater of smoking, I don’t know why suddenly I felt that serious need to just grab one cigarette and experience that raw taste. Maybe sometimes that is how we avenge the wrong being done to us; we rebel against our own self. That remains the only medium that we feel in control of, we want to do all the great injustices of the world against us.
The next day I professed this in front my family and each of them had a different reaction. My sister in law just laughed plainly and my mom gave me a piece of her mind. My brother though said that we should experiment with it. So the next night, I found myself with a cigarette that my brother bought for this occasion of mutiny. He lighted it and hold it in his hand while I moved forward to take my first puff ever and inhale, not too deeply. I blew out but didn’t see any smoke for that matter. I felt oddly apprehensive and some wild exhilaration at the same time. The next puff was a bit deeper but still, except for a raw burning bitter taste and the feeling as if I had swallowed some ashes and slight coughing, nothing came. No beautiful display of perfect smoky circles for me really!!! So that was that I thought, oddly relieved. I don’t think I will try it again in near future, because for now, my hunger and need for exploration is quenched reasonably.
It was around three years or so ago, that my family planned to go to the northern areas of Pakistan, to have some fun and get a break from typically hot summers of the southern part, in which we reside. It was a very thrilling experience, with all those beautiful and majestic snowcapped mountains, passing through huge glacier and those highly dangerous (often I would just refuse to look out of the jeep we travelled in) tortuous roads, and many waterfalls. However, it was all worth it totally, because I can’t ever forget that precious vacation.
Mind you, the way to LALAZAR is so, that it seemed as if two wheels of the jeep were on the road and the other two were in air.So narrow was the road!!!! And imagine, that road was a two way road! 😛
“It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight.”
― Vladimir Nabokov
You know that one moment, when you lock eyes with your very first love, and it leaves you all breathless, and you feel this…….Oh wait, wait, wait, I don’t think this is any respectful way to start a story about my first love, Let’s start it a proper way with a nice “Once upon a time” beginning and a “Lived happily after” ending.
So let’s go back into this bright summer noon, when i was busy and totally unaware of what awaited me in just very near future. I was quite young, almost in like 5th grade or something and was busy doing what the kids usually do then (this will do as a filler) and then the bell rang! I was trying my level best to ignore it until my mom, through her unvarying screaming, made it almost impossible to do it.
So well, I went to the door to inquire who it was. On the other side of the door, was a saleswoman who had the most brilliant and absolute beauty in her hand.
Lo and behold! It was a 12 stories set with a beautiful illustration that made my heart skipped a beat and I could just feel that it belonged with me, right that instant. I was totally speechless and it was then that mom showed up to see what was going on. She saw the saleswoman and the object of my love, but like all the famous villains that ever existed, she shooed away this kind lady and totally stopped me from closing the deal, while I stood there utterly nonplussed and sad.
I remain sad and forlorn for quite sometime but then as they say: This too, shall pass!
Well after sometime we were visiting my aunt and GUESS WHATTTTTTTTTTT? She told me she had a surprise gift for me, because as I loved to read, she immediately thought of me when she saw the thing! And it was none other than : MY FIRST LOVE!!!! And never had I loved her more than how much I loved her that instant and I totally threw a very sarcastic ( O.o) and self satisfactory glance at my mom !! 😀
“You know how it is? These house chores are so not my thing” I say this to myself all around the day, and I guess, its the only thing, that saves me from blabbing insanely about it to my mom. Blabbing to mommy, could lead to all sorts of hazards ranging from some sarcastic comment, to probably a slap or something, though I have not gone to those heights yet 😀
Well yea, so I was talking about house chores and TAADA I present you:
One of my worse fear is indeed this!! I can do all the stuff but this is not my thing and I totally hate ironing. My worse fear is IRONING!!! I do all that I can to run away from it and try to keep away from my laundry drawer, until it is superfluous with freshly wash clothes and my mom couldn’t resist the temptation to shout at me, 12 times a day at least! 😦
Now you see it is not her fault, because my sister and sister-in-law are like this:
So my poor mama thinks, that this is how it must be for every girl, and thus I continue to suffer in pure misery.
In the end, in my defense, because God knows I want one soon or I will crash, Dear fairy godmother if you are reading this piece, SEND someone, anyone, to do my ironing for meh!!!
Have you learned to fly yet?
It’s this sight that make your heart soar, the feel of a new book in thy hand, the smell of the brand new paper, the ability to understand another profound soul!
In you I find a true friend, you give me wings!
This part is not as such poetic you know!
In your life, has a display as beautiful as this ever lured you?
And then you are forced to buy that serious chocolate tarts they offer!
The bitter sweet feeling after its gone!
Then bitting into your friend’s tart!
This is the most exotic form of ice ever on Earth, we add artificial flavours, syrups in raw albeit finely churned ice! And on top of that, some chocolate topping! Aha! The bliss!
Balloons always, always make me go wild, with pleasure! But I finished all my money on food 😦
Finally, we saw a python, and every girl was so afraid of it, and every guy so in awe of it, well I don’t feel comfortable patting snakes on head! 😛
Finally a far of view of the carnival in the university, while the sun is setting!