She was optimism
And I was the kind of pessimism,
That was acid on hope.
In being friends, I saw
the potential of a convert
But in her impatience
she saw eternal bondage.
#PROJECT2014: A POST A MONTH (March) : I want to envision a different person NOW! Cmon get off that couch!
For years and years I have travelled through the various stages of low self-esteem, self doubt and a Himalayan range of insecurities and the weight of all these demons is just impossible and yet I question my sanity when I realize that during some part of my life I start relishing it all.
The first stage is always:
- The weird environment feels threatened by me:
I don’t exactly remember how it came to be, but for some reason I began to be a very exciting target for my other female class fellows in around 3 or 4 grade which continued up to 7grade and was kind of bullied to a huge extend. I remember that for years the PE teacher would complain that I was a loner and that I deliberately tried to be alone and not with my friends (if you can really call them that because I prefer the B word 😛 ) but the problem was that they created situations whereby a could feel left out and ignored. The funniest episode was when we were very young and we used to play “HOUSE” in our muddy playground where we were to build rooms and all that jazz with our hands, on the ground and the one with the best used to win. No one was ready to be in my house and so I was alone and given the rather ugly side of the ground but I never the less created an art piece because soon the other three girls were like, can we switch side? It was evident that it was an attempt to take away what little happiness I created in the ugly part of the playground. Whenever I tried to make other friends I was surrounded by their extra attention and care and I was stupid enough to believe them again and again.
There have been other factors, being the youngest in the family was also a major problem because siblings and cousins seemed to be ignoring me and I was the target of many jokes in the family. For years I had no friends and felt extremely alone and had no one to talk to. Some teachers made it very very very hard to survive and feel excited about my days at school and were there to humiliate me at every possible opportunity they get. The one I still remember is an art teacher saying in front of many teachers and my class fellows that I looked like a servant, when I dressed up on the Independence Day in the dress of one of the provinces and I felt so embarrassed that I couldn’t look anyone in the eye for that whole day.
- I guess there is something wrong with me:
All these circumstances continuing for years and years made me seriously started doubting myself and feeling extremely embarrassed and trying to come up with various reasons to justify this behavior:
- I guess I am too fat
- I guess I don’t look good
- I guess I am too clumsy
- Maybe it’s because I can’t run
- Maybe I am just not likable
- Yes, There is something wrong with me:
I started believing in all these things with a steadfast approach and along came self-pity and constantly a battle to let myself know from inside that I wasn’t good enough.
Every day of my 23 years, I have been carrying an immense burden of these demons: Envy, jealously, extremely low self-esteem, insecurities and doubts. But a few days ago I realized maybe it was not meant to be this way anymore. I was talked to one of my most introvert, reserved and shy friend of mine who is doing Chartered Accountancy and I found a very huge difference in her. I was looking at this whole new different person, who was confident and open, who doesn’t shy away from people and who doesn’t seem to be such an extreme introvert anymore.
(On another note, one of the most brilliant advices she gave me was: Never show the world that you are afraid or it will sunk it jaws in you and you will never know what hit you).
But seeing this different young female, I suddenly felt something stir in my heart. I thought that I want to be like this too.
What I want to see in future:
I want to envision this confident female who cares nothing of how she looks to the world, Ugly or pretty, dark or white, fat or slim.
I want to envision this female, who has the power to change her world.
I want to envision this female who even when people try to push her against walls, find a way to push through it all and separate herself from any nuisance.
I want to see a female who accepts compliments and believe in her heart that she deserves them.
I want to see a female not shying away from people because she thinks that they might not like or approve of how she chooses to present herself and go ahead never the less.
I want to see a female, who values people who love her and find her strength and solace from such people and not get too caught up in negativity.
I want to see a young woman who follow her passions and have aspirations and give hope.
I want to see a female, who gives a new direction, some hope, inspiration and care to the young minds like some of my teachers did for me.
I want to see this new changed female who knows that sometimes people are a certain way and we might not like it or hate them enough to despise and never forgive them, but it will just be a lot of burden to carry forward each day. Sometimes people do things, that they do without giving them any thoughts and it is okay to just let it go.
I want to envision a female who takes great pleasure in little achievements and small things and feel the wonder of new things each day. To believe that happiness and good things will come and that no one has a perfect life. We all are fighting our own demons and they might not be visible to everyone.
Finally that you are a beautiful person, if you are humble, kind without ulterior motives, caring, trustworthy, sincere and understanding. Beauty should never be defined by your body, face, complexion or other outer traits that you have no control over and which would just deplete over time whatever you may do.
AND LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL AND SO ARE YOU ALL!! HAVE A GOOD DAY – Zee 😀
Finally the cage is broken,
The Dull grey creature takes flight,
Yesterday, what felt imprisoned,
Finally has found freedom,
I am so settled inside.
You know how it is, for humans since their very existence, trying to associate or relate to something, to try and reach something that identify or make them stand out in this world of utter chaos. That thing for me, always have been : READING taa-daa! I said it!
Well since my very childhood, I have been very much into reading stories, and I was most impressed by the stories of the Kings and how they would set difficult and impossible tasks and often the reward to successfully accomplish them would be the fair Princess marriage to any man fearless and bold enough! Mostly it would be this way that a very poor guy would come and do the brave deed, and get married to the fair princess!!! (how tame of the princess to marry like that, on Daddy’s order 😛 )
But stories helped me escape into a world, where I forgot my problems and worries and for once, everything would be about someone other than me, a world where anything could happen, in minutes and hours things would change ; for better or for worse! You know how it is when you discover the power of words and often words become the very essence of your existence! How they become your identity, how overwhelmed a person becomes when he is unable to let out his thoughts and that writer’s block is so killing!
It’s fine where I’m sitting, and the light filtering through the open window provides some relief but albeit, a very short-lived one. I know they will come, and like always I am totally unprepared. I don’t know what bring them to me, or when was the first time it happened, but there they are nonetheless. They are usually silent, just staring at me, all the time. I can feel it now, they are watching me, as I think about them, and they will haunt me for long now. I look at them often beseechingly, and often try to implore them to answer me, but it never happens. I can see it in their eyes, this look of remorse, pity, and inferiority as they look towards me. There gazes are so belittling, that I almost flinch inwardly, but it never changes their stance towards me. I know how less they think of me, and how unimportant I am to them.
I tried everything but things never change or turn for good. It’s almost agonizing how they are always judging me and nothing is ever enough for them; the love, care or concern is like nothing to them and their selfishness and cruelty knows no bound. To them, my existence is nothing but a conveniently usable object. I loathe myself for being so weak, to let myself be so vulnerable. But then, something is changing inside the room. I almost feel a certain warmness wrapping itself around me, and I break this hypnotic spell of gloom and look towards the open window with all the strength that remains inside me.
There in the light filtering through the window, is a figure almost invisible, but it is there nonetheless. It lures me towards itself and at a very close distance I stop and look at it. It speaks to me “I am your strength, and rely on me, for I am your only hope. Remember, never to feed them” it points to the glaring angry eyes which have perceptibly weaken in their appearance “for they have learned to feed on your insecurities. They are nothing but a figment of your imagination, and they are only as harsh and unyielding, as strongly you pay attention to them. They are nothing, and remember, stay strong. As it goes, your world is you and not them. Your subconscious mind build these stories, build a whole lot of lies and conspiracies that it wants you to believe. Come out of these complex webs of gloomy thoughts and live in the moment.” I see it going away, vanishing and I ask in a whisper “Who are you?” and it smiles at me and says “why, I am you.”
Each morning we smile at each other even though we feel grumpy about the baby waking us up for most parts of night, but you get into this familiar pattern where each morning it becomes more easier.
You know what the real problem is though? It’s the “What are you going to have in your breakfast ?” Each morning a mini battle ensues, a heated argument whereby my wife says or rather warn me that no, she is not going to let me have an egg. You know how it is with us men, we rather have what we said in the first place, or we arrogantly move away. This morning I silently listened to all the tantrums and reasoning my wife could come up with, and simply said “It’s the egg, or I will leave without having any breakfast” and she being the obedient creature that she is yielded and made me an egg.
This morning, I arrive at my workplace, all enthusiastic and fresh to crack up my new project, when I first felt the sign of a strange feeling in my left cheek but I ignored it. Later in the day I become more astonished and then alarmed when suddenly I could feel my left side of the face going all stiff and in minutes I could not even blink my eye. Suddenly I felt a heavy dread settled over me, and in those few minutes, my whole world revolved around me!! I quickly got off my table and certain close colleagues felt it and asked me what the problem was. As soon as I told them, I could see them really concerned and immediately said that I should be taken to a hospital!I ignored them but then when I saw that the feeling was not going I decided to go home. My mom and the driver immediately took me to the hospital, and to cut a long story short, it turned out, my blood pressure has shot up to enormous heights, almost being 160/110 and that had harmed me.
Yes, I had been having high blood pressure problem since some time but I have been ignoring it and going on with my life like it was nothing big, but this day made me realized, every little thing I do or don’t do, make me accountable for my life.
The argument my wife presented, of not giving me an egg, was because she cared much to much about me and doctors have already said, though in a subtle manner, that eating eggs everyday was not a wise option adding the fact that I am extremely obese!
Today I sit with my half stiff face (I might or I might not recover from this thing) and think how careless we turn towards our own health and how we think every little harm we do will never come up to anything major. We also think, Oh Man!! what’s the most that could happen? I will die, but no, in true eternity, I realized today that it doesn’t happen that way, rather, we suffer slowly and gradually like the way we slowly and gradually harm our own body, as it goes “As you sow, so shall you reap!!”
Note: This is something which happened to a close kin of mine, to have me moved so much that I have to write about it!