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#PROJECT2014: A POST A MONTH (March) : I want to envision a different person NOW! Cmon get off that couch!

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For years and years I have travelled through the various stages of low self-esteem, self doubt and a Himalayan range of insecurities and the weight of all these demons is just impossible and yet I question my sanity when I realize that during some part of my life I start relishing it all.

The first stage is always:

  1.        The weird environment feels threatened by me:

I don’t exactly remember how it came to be, but for some reason I began to be a very exciting target for my other female class fellows in around 3 or 4 grade which continued up to 7grade and was kind of bullied to a huge extend. I remember that for years the PE teacher would complain that I was a loner and that I deliberately tried to be alone and not with my friends (if you can really call them that because I prefer the B word 😛 ) but the problem was that they created situations whereby a could feel left out and ignored. The funniest episode was when we were very young and we used to play “HOUSE” in our muddy playground where we were to build rooms and all that jazz with our hands, on the ground and the one with the best used to win. No one was ready to be in my house and so I was alone and given the rather ugly side of the ground but I never the less created an art piece because soon the other three girls were like, can we switch side? It was evident that it was an attempt to take away what little happiness I created in the ugly part of the playground. Whenever I tried to make other friends I was surrounded by their extra attention and care and I was stupid enough to believe them again and again.

There have been other factors, being the youngest in the family was also a major problem because siblings and cousins seemed to be ignoring me and I was the target of many jokes in the family. For years I had no friends and felt extremely alone and had no one to talk to. Some teachers made it very very very hard to survive and feel excited about my days at school and were there to humiliate me at every possible opportunity they get. The one I still remember is an art teacher saying in front of many teachers and my class fellows that I looked like a servant, when I dressed up on the Independence Day in the dress of one of the provinces and I felt so embarrassed that I couldn’t look anyone in the eye for that whole day.

  1.        I guess there is something wrong with me:

All these circumstances continuing for years and years made me seriously started doubting myself and feeling extremely embarrassed and trying to come up with various reasons to justify this behavior:

  •          I guess I am too fat
  •          I guess I don’t look good
  •          I guess I am too clumsy
  •          Maybe it’s because I can’t run
  •          Maybe I am just not likable

 

  1.        Yes, There is something wrong with me:

I started believing in all these things with a steadfast approach and along came self-pity and constantly a battle to let myself know from inside that I wasn’t good enough.

Every day of my 23 years, I have been carrying an immense burden of these demons: Envy, jealously, extremely low self-esteem, insecurities and doubts. But a few days ago I realized maybe it was not meant to be this way anymore. I was talked to one of my most introvert, reserved and shy friend of mine who is doing Chartered Accountancy and I found a very huge difference in her. I was looking at this whole new different person, who was confident and open, who doesn’t shy away from people and who doesn’t seem to be such an extreme introvert anymore.

(On another note, one of the most brilliant advices she gave me was: Never show the world that you are afraid or it will sunk it jaws in you and you will never know what hit you).

But seeing this different young female, I suddenly felt something stir in my heart. I thought that I want to be like this too.

What I want to see in future:

I want to envision this confident female who cares nothing of how she looks to the world, Ugly or pretty, dark or white,  fat or slim.

I want to envision this female, who has the power to change her world.

I want to envision this female who even when people try to push her against walls, find a way to push through it all and separate herself from any nuisance.

I want to see a female who accepts compliments and believe in her heart that she deserves them.

I want to see a female not shying away from people because she thinks that they might not like or approve of how she chooses to present herself and go ahead never the less.

I want to see a female, who values people who love her and find her strength and solace from such people and not get too caught up in negativity.

I want to see a young woman who follow her passions and have aspirations and give hope.

I want to see a female, who gives a new direction, some hope, inspiration and care to the young minds like some of my teachers did for me.

I want to see this new changed female who knows that sometimes people are a certain way and we might not like it or hate them enough to despise and never forgive them, but it will just be a lot of burden to carry forward each day. Sometimes people do things, that they do without giving them any thoughts and it is okay to just let it go.

I want to envision a female who takes great pleasure in little achievements and small things and feel the wonder of new things each day. To believe that happiness and good things will come and that no one has a perfect life. We all are fighting our own demons and they might not be visible to everyone.

Finally that you are a beautiful person, if you are humble, kind without ulterior motives, caring, trustworthy, sincere and understanding. Beauty should never be defined by your body, face, complexion or other outer traits that you have no control over and which would just deplete over time whatever you may do.

AND LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL AND SO ARE YOU ALL!! HAVE A GOOD DAY – Zee 😀

 

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Of wars to be waged

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Pretend to laugh, pretend to smile

Because when finally they meet your eyes

They see the triumph,

The war with the life, an intrepid defiance

In that instant, you are their hero

They come forward, to make tenacious alliance

Dare you decide to weaken your resolve?

The reverence and high esteem in an instant will devolve

The minute you talk openly of your fears

They are upon you like a wild, fierce bear

The trick is easy, never rant or whine

Come now, and show this world some spine

Wear not your heart on your sleeve again

It hinders your vigor, focus and ken

Sing upon a metal song!!

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I am tired of this rein

I want to do away with these chains

Run as fast as I can to the other side of the world

My thoughts are constrained

I am not free to be who I am

You say this is my last chance? But I will not change

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

You judge me all on my appearances

But inside I am still the same

You say I am naïve, I don’t understand

Even though I tell you it doesn’t mean the same

You think I have broken the unsaid rule

Gone over to the dark side, yielded to its rule

You say this is my last chance? But I will not change

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

I will hold my ground even if it means I perish

I will take all the insults they hurl at me

Because this is me, I own up to it all

Don’t warn me, let me take this walk

So what if I walk another hall of shame,

To me I will still stand tall and proud

You say this is my last chance? But I will not change

 

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A Hard Bargain! part 1

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It’s strange, how sometimes people drive us the most hard of the bargains and make us suffer for no evident reason. Here I will present two instances of hard bargain my teachers drove me:

 The Sadistic Art Teacher:

When i was young that was around the 4th to 7th grade, we had regular art & crafts classes and our teacher was then Sir Ahmer.

 

Yes that is exactly my response, whenever i think about those day i suffered because of him. When i was young I had the worse drawing skills, and whenever he used to give as an pictures to draw, it was something like this:

Yes, he was a sadistic beast and liked giving complex pictures that make me shiver. And can you imagine, my blood would get cold, I would pray the whole time and shake like a nutcase, that the class would get over. The whole time, I would be like this:

 

In the end of each session, all my class fellows, who had magical hand, would draw flawlessly well, and I would just sit still with a lowered gaze, waiting for a good piece of my art’s Sir mind. It tore me then, really, how I could not draw and when people were usually making cards for mom and dad, in the art room, for different occasion, I kept myself far off.

The worse thing the teacher did to me , and i had to let the bitterness out of me, was that one day, we were asked to make photo frames and then decorate them with the leftover cloth pieces and those ice cream sticks. He kept yelling, to put the cloth this way and sticks that way and finally we all made the frames and left them in the art room. I was called later in the day by him, and he shrieked at me so loudly that the nearby classes heard him quite clearly, while I just flinched pathetically and the next moment, in presence of certain school fellows, he literally tore the sticks, out of the frame, harming it slightly in this action, and shouted loudly “I told you, or didn’t I, as to how this needs to be done, now go and make this again” and he threw the frame at the floor.

This is one of the most embarrassing moment of my life, and it took me years to finally forget it and go on with my life. And now, when i sketch or draw, I am actually quite good at it, (you can see my sketches for that) and I love to draw occasionally, and he should have given me some time, and space, to let me get good at it, instead of hurting me with his words again and again, because they didn’t freaking make me good at drawing/sketching or crafting.

Dealing with bitterness!

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Did you notice how you leashed out at your friend/parent/co-worker or any other human being to that matter, when you have been going fine with them for so long and nothing before had ever disrupted the relationship!

It might be so, that the problem started when you came across a person, who was quiet different than you and there were a lot of things that can cause friction but along the years you learned to keep you mouth zipped and compromise for whatever reason like maybe you needed the support back then or something alike.

But what happen is most of us are so afraid, of telling others what actions of their we didn’t like, what things irritated us, those little things so not important and yet so much bitterness just build up on them.

This bitterness will continue to grow slowly and in such a subtle manner that most of the time it won’t even feel to grow, but it is never this way and some day, a little or big issue will be the last of your yielding and compromising and it will come out in the form of leashing at that person or just letting go of the relation and never wanting to see the person face ever again!

So i will advise that it is very wise, that you speak up, in a positive manner and not a stern or harsh way, about how you feel from the start and be confident and polite about it, so that the other person knows what sets you off and how the relation could be made better.

Because the thing about bitterness is that : If kept inside, it eats you and when it comes out of its dark, dreary whole where it was kept for more time than necessary, it stings you 10 times more worse.

So contemplate over things that can make you bitter towards people and share it with them albeit in  calm, polite way.

Fate

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Fates loves to play it’s damn cosmic jokes on people, for some eccentric reason it was assigned to that role, until they learn there lessons, so don’t let this respite, let you calm too much.Learn now or cry later, wandering in the dark mist.