Oh how they know how,
A dance of callousness,
A long silent stream of pain
(to the veins).
Oh it isn’t them,
It is merely your own
Stifled, tortured soul.
I am lost for words currently. I want to shriek out about how I feel and yet I have nothing of how to put it in words. I am trying, I am trying to talk to you. But mostly I feel very weird and uncertain about stuff. I feel stupid how you know nothing about me because you never ask and yet the word love springs out multiple times in each encounter. We are supposedly people who are very close and yet when I need you to understand stuff, I feel you act selfish and think only about yourself. I want to tell you about bruises and wounds and I don’t want you to make a fuss about it. Why are we so different, why? There is so much, and yet its like there is nothing.
I read a post that we shouldn’t feel the need to be fulfilled by another entity and I have grown out of that phase to a great extend , I know I am complete. But what about all that value addition I thought was possible? I see myself utterly confused.
What am I doing? Some days it feel I am pretending a whole circus out of my life with you.
Annoyance and hurt…… annoyance or hurt? lol
Too much inconvenience in life.
If love was geometrical,
I waited forever with
A triangle of a heart
In hope to find a match
And make a diamond
of a relationship.
But all I came across,
Was an array of alternate lines.
So I was getting really awfully bored and I thought, Let’s think of a blog post! And here it is!!!!!
Well we all have our moments of glory when we get lost and when found, it is like we are the most loved person ever on the face of the Earth with all the crying and hugging going on (but the glory is short lived, so enjoy it while it lasts :D).
So my first time as a lost child came at the time when I was quite young and thus have no account of it, however my family, like all families, has repeated this story in front of family and friends so many times, offered like a piece of snack, but it never loses its crunch, because Dad always acts it out along while narrating it.
So it happened at Dad’s friend’s son wedding, whereby the responsibility of looking after all the three kids was solely on my Mom’s shoulder. It was sometime before my mom noticed along with my sister, that I was missing. They started searching for me but I was nowhere to be found and it was precisely at this time, when food was announced to be served. There was a mass movement towards the nearest food tables and the job of searching for a child amidst this huge crowd became even more excruciating. It was at this time that my Mom, sister and brother ran, almost in hysterics towards my dad. My dad at this point in time, had decked his plate to enormous length with his favourite Sheekh kababs and had a difficult time deserting it.
All these four people went to the guard who confirmed that no child could escape the marriage lawn under his watchful eyes and that they should go and check the fountain. It was precisely by the fountain they found me,( I always knew I had sharp eyes for aesthetics) and thus I was hugged and passed along and then kissed some more, while I was totally ignorant to what havoc I caused.
Unfortunately, after this episode, my parents just deserted the food, and everyone came back home 😀
Each morning we smile at each other even though we feel grumpy about the baby waking us up for most parts of night, but you get into this familiar pattern where each morning it becomes more easier.
You know what the real problem is though? It’s the “What are you going to have in your breakfast ?” Each morning a mini battle ensues, a heated argument whereby my wife says or rather warn me that no, she is not going to let me have an egg. You know how it is with us men, we rather have what we said in the first place, or we arrogantly move away. This morning I silently listened to all the tantrums and reasoning my wife could come up with, and simply said “It’s the egg, or I will leave without having any breakfast” and she being the obedient creature that she is yielded and made me an egg.
This morning, I arrive at my workplace, all enthusiastic and fresh to crack up my new project, when I first felt the sign of a strange feeling in my left cheek but I ignored it. Later in the day I become more astonished and then alarmed when suddenly I could feel my left side of the face going all stiff and in minutes I could not even blink my eye. Suddenly I felt a heavy dread settled over me, and in those few minutes, my whole world revolved around me!! I quickly got off my table and certain close colleagues felt it and asked me what the problem was. As soon as I told them, I could see them really concerned and immediately said that I should be taken to a hospital!I ignored them but then when I saw that the feeling was not going I decided to go home. My mom and the driver immediately took me to the hospital, and to cut a long story short, it turned out, my blood pressure has shot up to enormous heights, almost being 160/110 and that had harmed me.
Yes, I had been having high blood pressure problem since some time but I have been ignoring it and going on with my life like it was nothing big, but this day made me realized, every little thing I do or don’t do, make me accountable for my life.
The argument my wife presented, of not giving me an egg, was because she cared much to much about me and doctors have already said, though in a subtle manner, that eating eggs everyday was not a wise option adding the fact that I am extremely obese!
Today I sit with my half stiff face (I might or I might not recover from this thing) and think how careless we turn towards our own health and how we think every little harm we do will never come up to anything major. We also think, Oh Man!! what’s the most that could happen? I will die, but no, in true eternity, I realized today that it doesn’t happen that way, rather, we suffer slowly and gradually like the way we slowly and gradually harm our own body, as it goes “As you sow, so shall you reap!!”
Note: This is something which happened to a close kin of mine, to have me moved so much that I have to write about it!
Today I sit in utter melancholy and thus beware, and if you want to quit, here, I give you time 🙂
For the more patient souls, I have some things on my mind!
It pains me that how uncertain and how unbelievable the times are, and how scarce my footings against them! You know how it is as they say, we all need good company and no one, by Lord, needs it more than me, but it is scary how quickly things turn ugly and how soon everything turns to a stop. The contradiction of relationships, is my biggest woe by far!
How soon you become the support, the best friends, the undying love of someone and how we pledge of never letting go, only to see it all crumble, and fall down in an unearthly way! It overwhelms me and almost makes me afraid how easy it is to break away!
It pains me, how bad everything turns once someone too essential to our soul go, its like they took our words, our love, our ability to function without them, and it is scary how unstable the life turns, how much time it takes to recover!
Why do thing turn sour so easily and why are relationships so unrecoverable! well for now I only hope, the few closer ones I am left with, will stay, and to those who have gone: may they find better heavens, NOT! 🙂
Its strange how sometimes you miss people, while you are busy in something and for a moment, it hurts like hell.
Its strange how when I put on that body spray, which you suggested, I miss you like hell.
Its strange how when I am watching a movie, I wish so hard that you were by my side, right now.
Its astonishing how when I am in some event, how I wish, If you have been there, It would have been so much fun.
Its very punishing to see the old photos and videos.
Sometimes the whole day I wish for your presence and sometimes days goes by before I remember you with sheer intensity.
But remember this, I miss you and even though we are not friends or the once strong bond is not so strong, I love you.