I am lost for words currently. I want to shriek out about how I feel and yet I have nothing of how to put it in words. I am trying, I am trying to talk to you. But mostly I feel very weird and uncertain about stuff. I feel stupid how you know nothing about me because you never ask and yet the word love springs out multiple times in each encounter. We are supposedly people who are very close and yet when I need you to understand stuff, I feel you act selfish and think only about yourself. I want to tell you about bruises and wounds and I don’t want you to make a fuss about it. Why are we so different, why? There is so much, and yet its like there is nothing.
I read a post that we shouldn’t feel the need to be fulfilled by another entity and I have grown out of that phase to a great extend , I know I am complete. But what about all that value addition I thought was possible? I see myself utterly confused.
What am I doing? Some days it feel I am pretending a whole circus out of my life with you.
Annoyance and hurt…… annoyance or hurt? lol
Too much inconvenience in life.
Don’t make a minute’s mistake,
Don’t for a moment think,
That your secrets would lie deep within
The deep folds of my mind,
Safe and secure; unharmed.
I would in a minute divulge
In this blasphemy, I will secretly indulge
It’s only the fear, that once out
These secret might trap me
I don’t want to be
Disgraced by association
I don’t know what bring on the reaction but there, lying in front of me, was that pack of cigarettes and I could almost imagine, like in a movie, watching out of compulsion as one observes another stranger doing an action and a thought registers in one’s mind: this is not me; I am not responsible for this. It was with that nonchalance I saw myself extending my hand surreptitiously towards this packet and just stealing one cigarette. No one would know and it would be so quick and of course, no one will ever be suspicious of me. Maybe it was because I was really frustrated at work as I had just started my internship, and there were a lot of issues disagreeing with me and sometimes I just loathed everything about my workplace. Being such an avid hater of smoking, I don’t know why suddenly I felt that serious need to just grab one cigarette and experience that raw taste. Maybe sometimes that is how we avenge the wrong being done to us; we rebel against our own self. That remains the only medium that we feel in control of, we want to do all the great injustices of the world against us.
The next day I professed this in front my family and each of them had a different reaction. My sister in law just laughed plainly and my mom gave me a piece of her mind. My brother though said that we should experiment with it. So the next night, I found myself with a cigarette that my brother bought for this occasion of mutiny. He lighted it and hold it in his hand while I moved forward to take my first puff ever and inhale, not too deeply. I blew out but didn’t see any smoke for that matter. I felt oddly apprehensive and some wild exhilaration at the same time. The next puff was a bit deeper but still, except for a raw burning bitter taste and the feeling as if I had swallowed some ashes and slight coughing, nothing came. No beautiful display of perfect smoky circles for me really!!! So that was that I thought, oddly relieved. I don’t think I will try it again in near future, because for now, my hunger and need for exploration is quenched reasonably.
Pretend to laugh, pretend to smile
Because when finally they meet your eyes
They see the triumph,
The war with the life, an intrepid defiance
In that instant, you are their hero
They come forward, to make tenacious alliance
Dare you decide to weaken your resolve?
The reverence and high esteem in an instant will devolve
The minute you talk openly of your fears
They are upon you like a wild, fierce bear
The trick is easy, never rant or whine
Come now, and show this world some spine
Wear not your heart on your sleeve again
It hinders your vigor, focus and ken
So usually my mom is like, I am the most irrational shopper ever to exist, and maybe she is true, I am the kind of a person, who once, when makes a decision to buy something, just get Gaga over the thing in question, and absolutely has to get that thing and is just short of a laying-on-the-floor-and-kicking sort of tantrum away from embarassing my mom. Don’t take me to shop with you unless you want to gift me huge list of stuff I would later bury in some deep, dark crevice of my wardrobe. So I thought, let’s make a list of all such stuff. This list is in no particular order:
1. The fancy tiara:
Yes, absolutely this is exactly what you see, and I am going to blame it all on the Princess Diary series by Meg Cabot, well, not quite so. I had this obsession, a little evil post teenage kind of obsession with being a princess, for no evident reason I guess, and it passed with time like that time when I had a crush on Aragorn from Lords of the ring. My cousin mostly blame it on my need to gain attention from my family and all that jazz, and I guess it was just a phase we all go through, thanks to Disney. So the story is, I bought this from an accessory shop and I told my mother that a princess needs to have her tiara to which she rolled her eyes but never the less, humored me. My siblings, both a 9 or so years older than me, laughed their heads off and made me very offended, but I guess that is what siblings do.
2. The extra thick crafting book:
This I would blame on both shopping online and a furious rage upon my cousins who live abroad. Somehow shopping online is much more attractive, it adds an extra shine to each product and thanks to Photoshop and DSLRs all around. What is lacks in physically touching the product and then buying, it makes up for in the attractive pictures and all. Secondly I had this rage on my relatives abroad who are always like, What do you guys need from here? and all, but bring all kind of useless and even used stuff. This time I was like, I have to ask for something substantial, enough with the free concealer samples, cocoa butter lotions and nude lipsticks which I throw straight in the dustbins. During this time I was very much into crafting notebooks and thus I ordered this gaint sized crafting book and well, my passions never last more than a few months and now I am always wondering, what to do this piece of absolute giant-ness.
3. The Blue wholesale rackets:
Well, I hate the wholesale stores and this is the most ridiculous and the only shopping I ever did from there. I know wonder what I was really really thinking. Yes, I love sports though I hardly play any due to a long list of reasons, and also I have a reasonable lawn to play badminton in but 1) My siblings are like 9 or so years older to me and 2) the one with Y chromosome is at office from 8am to 8pm and thus hardly has the time to play while 3) As it goes I am not at all ambidextrous and 4) never played the game before and thus have no experience, so all in all, what a stupid thing to do. (Mom advised against it strongly)
4. The pink thing:
This is a remarkable case of chromosome X obsession with the colour pink, more than anything. There is this friend of mine, who use 4 to 5 of these in a year, (usually because she sweats a lot and thus has to tap her face after every session with the sponge, according to her) and I just fell in love with the cute pink thing and I asked her to buy me one too. And it has been two years atleast since I had it and its hardly used because I am not a very face powder kind of a person. Maybe I will gift it to one of my nieces or something.
5. The Black Book:
I don’t know why I indulge in this crappy saga of twilight books now, maybe because at that time, it was a very in thing! I decided to buy the book in its original form and not the pirated one, and well it cost me quite some bucks and I had already read the book online and well, never even open it and thus it is the most neat and creaseless novel among my collection of novels.
6. The dictionary:
This I will solely blame my teacher for and you can see the dust open it to know exactly that it is the least used of all my things. We were each asked that it would be really good if we bought french dictionary and it would enhance our vocabulary and all. To cut it short, the poor thing only was opened twice or thrice, and really what was the need when we were never required to use it in the class and at home, we all ofcourse had Google.
7. The tees:
Whenever we had to choose between different business competitions and events to attend, my friends used to ask,1) will there be dinner? 2) How are the guest speaker like? 3) what are the timings? and 4) how much will it cost? and my only question is 1) Will there be tees particular to the events? Well I love to collect tees and go to events which will provide me with one, even though I hardly ever wear tees except at nighttime during the worst summer night with pajamas.