I am lost for words currently. I want to shriek out about how I feel and yet I have nothing of how to put it in words. I am trying, I am trying to talk to you. But mostly I feel very weird and uncertain about stuff. I feel stupid how you know nothing about me because you never ask and yet the word love springs out multiple times in each encounter. We are supposedly people who are very close and yet when I need you to understand stuff, I feel you act selfish and think only about yourself. I want to tell you about bruises and wounds and I don’t want you to make a fuss about it. Why are we so different, why? There is so much, and yet its like there is nothing.
I read a post that we shouldn’t feel the need to be fulfilled by another entity and I have grown out of that phase to a great extend , I know I am complete. But what about all that value addition I thought was possible? I see myself utterly confused.
What am I doing? Some days it feel I am pretending a whole circus out of my life with you.
Annoyance and hurt…… annoyance or hurt? lol
Too much inconvenience in life.
Who was I ?
Who was he?
I swore I loved him, and whispered soft endearments , breaking all boundaries of principles and years of building up walls, and he took it all in, like a hungry child takes in the piece of bread, gobbling it up and I felt empty inside.
And yet he demanded more.
And I broke with each impatient demand.
It felt like unwanted penetration.
But it was only a commitment.
Yes, it was
a decision of mine,
It takes away my right to whine.
But I like each day
to refresh my inbox for a stray,
Mail to make its appearance
It seems the people of their words,
Forfeit the rights to do much, explore much.
In our unspoken promise to uphold
honour, we lose the will to be bold
Towards the mirror as I glance,
The reflection has changed,
I despise it,
As I see more of myself,
And less of you.
Too many secrets,
Too many Hopes,
Too many gossips,
Too many fibs,
Too many dreams,
Too many fears,
All whispered into your ears.
Too much power,
All siphoned into your soul,
So much so, that as in the mirror I looked
All it reflected was you!
And now I am left
With all these gaping holes.
Feeling deeply vulnerable,
I am beyond recoverable.
Perchance I should forfeit,
Perchance we never will be.
Don’t make a minute’s mistake,
Don’t for a moment think,
That your secrets would lie deep within
The deep folds of my mind,
Safe and secure; unharmed.
I would in a minute divulge
In this blasphemy, I will secretly indulge
It’s only the fear, that once out
These secret might trap me
I don’t want to be
Disgraced by association
So I was getting really awfully bored and I thought, Let’s think of a blog post! And here it is!!!!!
Well we all have our moments of glory when we get lost and when found, it is like we are the most loved person ever on the face of the Earth with all the crying and hugging going on (but the glory is short lived, so enjoy it while it lasts :D).
So my first time as a lost child came at the time when I was quite young and thus have no account of it, however my family, like all families, has repeated this story in front of family and friends so many times, offered like a piece of snack, but it never loses its crunch, because Dad always acts it out along while narrating it.
So it happened at Dad’s friend’s son wedding, whereby the responsibility of looking after all the three kids was solely on my Mom’s shoulder. It was sometime before my mom noticed along with my sister, that I was missing. They started searching for me but I was nowhere to be found and it was precisely at this time, when food was announced to be served. There was a mass movement towards the nearest food tables and the job of searching for a child amidst this huge crowd became even more excruciating. It was at this time that my Mom, sister and brother ran, almost in hysterics towards my dad. My dad at this point in time, had decked his plate to enormous length with his favourite Sheekh kababs and had a difficult time deserting it.
All these four people went to the guard who confirmed that no child could escape the marriage lawn under his watchful eyes and that they should go and check the fountain. It was precisely by the fountain they found me,( I always knew I had sharp eyes for aesthetics) and thus I was hugged and passed along and then kissed some more, while I was totally ignorant to what havoc I caused.
Unfortunately, after this episode, my parents just deserted the food, and everyone came back home 😀